The Joy of Aprons!

The inimitable nutcrunch has expressed uncomprehending disbelief at my wearing an apron to do the housework (see previous blog).

Lest the tolerance-challenged of this world (read bigots and fundamentalists) take this as proof that I am indeed a weirdo and do indeed warrant burning at the stake (don't laugh, an evangelical party worker actually recommended this procedure for lesbians - aka witches, at our last elections) I fear I must set the record straight (no pun intended).

Hey! And I'm not a lesbian either...not that there's anything wrong with that...some of my best friends - and heroines - are or were. Anyway lesbians don't wear aprons do they? Do they? Oh! It's all so confusing! If only people would wear little stars sewn on their clothes so we knew who were the good guys.

I'm not a witch either, tho' I am a pagan. I'm not sure if I'm just too lazy, disorganised and neurotic to be a witch or if I'm just too dreamy, eclectic and amorphous. Is there a difference? I suspect that witches, being practical magick, earthy, cooking pot-type people may just very well wear aprons - at least some of the time.

Mmm! Now I'm starting to feel a bit less confused. OK! So now I know that anyone wearing an apron is definitely not a lesbian but might be a witch...or a christian fundamentalist trying to occupy woman's rightful place in the kitchen. Oh! Oh! How will I tell? What if we burnt the wrong person at the stake? Would it matter?

Anyway I digress. I'm not sure why I wear an apron when I do the housework. Who cares? It probably does have something to do with a) growing up in the fifties b) being a naturally "feminine" person - whatever the hell that is and c) being a transsexual woman and so tending towards things which enhance her sense of "the feminine" (I challenge you to define that too!) in the face of others' bemused skepticism or outright hostility.

I told you I was no saint (well not until hair shirts come in pastels with a nipped in waist)!

Ennnywaaaay! here are what I think some good reasons why one might choose to wear an apron around the house (yep! believe it or not, unlike the life-long condition of transsexualism, wearing an apron is actually a "lifestyle choice" and I could, if I so chose, give "it" up!):

1) The pockets are great for carrying pegs or cordless phones when you're up at the clothesline.

2) The pockets are great for carrying the car keys when you've got both hands full carrying stuff up to the house or assisting someone with a disability downstairs.

3) In general, aprons are a good way of bolting on removable pockets when you habitually wear things like skirts, dresses or pants that don't have pockets.

4) Aprons protect the clumsy (yep! that's me!) from all manner of wetnesses inundating their persons - bleach water when cleaning the toilet, greasy washing up water, pots of soup and splashes of worcestershire sauce - to name just a few.

5) Aprons protect against the "poltergeist phenomenon". You know when you have a tendency to pick up a jar of pasta sauce only to watch it sail, unbidden, out of your presumably perfectly capable hand, land on the dresser, smash your favorite cup and saucer and then spurt broken glass and tomato back all over the good pants you just had drycleaned. Don't believe it? Come round to my place sometime...but wear an apron!

6) An apron allows one to do little spurts of housework before work or going out while wearing "good clothes" (you won't catch this little duck wearing "tracky dacks"* to the supermarket!)

7) Throwing on an apron when you get home late from work allows you to help your partner finish off getting dinner then sit down on the lounge and eat it in front of your favorite TV show (up till it just finished recently that was "Silent Witness" with the wonderful Amanda Burton - still looking for a replacement) without worrying about spilling chilli and olive oil on your good skirt.

8) Aprons are a great way to wipe your hands in an emergency.

9) Aprons are a handy way of wiping away your tears when collapsed on the floor during hormonal surges,

10) Buying an apron is a great way to help support those worthy charities that set up street stalls "manned" by remarkable old ladies with incedible sewing skills.

11) Aprons are a way of expressing one's individuality in an increasingly bland and politically correct world.

WARNING! Aprons are absolutely of no use in the management of small children whose ability to direct a semi-digested stream of bright orange baby food onto unprotected areas of clothing is developed to a high level of competency in utero (I'd go for the "tracky dacks" here!).

You think I'm the only person who hasn't forgotten about the joys and practicalities of aprons? try this quick Google image search!

Now whilst performing this search I came across this doozy! The sanitary apron!

While we're on the subject of aprons, christian fundamentalists and burnings at the stake might I thoroughly recommend the chilling novel, "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood (this book was written in 1986 would you believe!)

Amazon.com listing

Margaret Atwood website

Handmaid's Tale study guide

*"tracky dacks" is an Australian colloqualism for "tracksuit pants" which I believe Americans might call "sweatpants". Australians consider it perfectly acceptable to wear "daggy old tracky dacks" just about anywhere they think they can get away with it. In contrast, I have heard that, at least until recently, English women dressed up in high heels and make-up to do their regular housework. I try to steer a middle course in life!